My father, much like other fathers out there, is obsessed with Teslas. Whatever model, whatever shade—he’s obsessed. That being said, I know everything there is to know about Teslas from second-hand knowledge. For one, I know that Teslas will be able to self-park, even in tricky parallel-park situations. This feature is called “Summon,” and it’s taking the Tesla-sphere by storm (“You can now summon your Tesla from the curb,” The Verge).
Another feature is the Tesla ability to go onto autopilot when driving on straight roads, like freeways (“Tesla Driver Snoozes While Autopilot Steers,” Digital Trends). This feature is a huge breakthrough because drivers everywhere can now relax a bit during bumper-to-bumper traffic—though sleeping during autopilot is a bit daring. I’ve watched a ton of videos of drivers using autopilot and granted, they don’t exactly trust the feature yet because going 70 miles per hour outside of your control is terrifying, but they seem just as fascinated as everyone else who knows about the feature.
These features are cool and all, but here’s the thing: I think we can take it to the next level. I think there’s more to be done. I don’t have Elon Musk’s personal number so these ideas will have to exist is this article until he chances upon my genius and awards me with a free, purple Tesla. Are you ready for the next generation Tesla?
1) While autopilot drives you to your point B, chances are that you get a little hungry. It’s nothing to be ashamed of—hunger is what makes us human. Yet, you’re in a Tesla, not a restaurant, right? Wrong. The next generation Tesla will have a hamburger grill and high-speed microwave fully stocked with hamburger patties, buns, and those microwavable Trader Joe’s meals. As you’re driven through traffic, enjoy a nice hamburger straight from the grill or vegetable potstickers.
2) Another thing about being driven autopilot is that your feet get a little achy. In fact, you dream of having those weird little fish tanks where tiny fish eat at your dead skin and generally rejuvenate your feet. Guess what? That’s a feature. Stored away in a little compartment on the side of your doors, the Feet Fish come out whenever you desire a little feet treatment. If you’re on the way to a meeting, the Feet Fish will have you up and ready to go by the time you step out of your Tesla. After all, this is why you bought a Tesla in first place—for the Feet Fish.
3) Why stop there with the water-themed ideas? Every Tesla is missing a small jacuzzi. I’m not entirely sure where we would put the jacuzzi but I just know it would be part of the vehicle. My idea is to have it be on the top of the roof, but again, what if you wanted to soak in bubbly water during autopilot? The roof just wouldn’t do; the jacuzzi would have to be inside the vehicle. Hey, if we sent men to moon, then we can put a jacuzzi in a Tesla.
4) Now we’ve come down to driving features. The above amenities are nice and all, but let’s get down to the machine-stuff (*the sound of men rejoicing is vaguely heard in the background*). This next feature is called Race Mode and it’s exactly what it sounds like. You wanna race that dude in the green Prius? Race Mode. You wanna serve that lady in her black BMW? Race Mode. Do you irrationally dislike teenage drivers? Race Mode them. All of ’em. Race Mode will figure out the best way to aggressively cut them off and then leave them in the dust.
5) My last genius idea for the next generation Tesla is Transformer mode. This feature is strictly about aesthetics and perhaps about having a relationship with your car but don’t pay attention to that part too much. Wouldn’t it be dope if your Tesla could transform itself so that it looked like a car-human? I mean, that’s one hell of a party trick. It’d definitely get the ladies (or men…or whomever) to come home with you. Transformer mode would also include a cool, yet slightly creepy car voice that could communicate with you and understand your many personal problems (I mean, Jessica dumping me was just a sign of HER immaturity, right, Tesla-bot?).
I don’t have the slightest idea of how anyone would even begin to engineer these ideas, but I do know that work must be started on them immediately. Otherwise, other car companies might get a leg up on Tesla, and we wouldn’t want that happening. Tesla is king. Tesla is everything.